...A woman of a certain age...

Today I had lunch with my boss and some friends of hers, with whom I have become friendly. They are a professional couple in their mid-thirties, he, an actor, she, a fitness expert/trainer/television personality. They brought along their 8-month old son, Gunnar.

I have never seen two people so in love with their own child. They could barely take their eyes off of him. Every moment, every sound, every movement was met with an "awwww, oooooh, isn't that just the cutest thing you've ever seen???" And yes, I will say, he was indeed very cute. He also looked like a bulldog. A bulldog bred with The Rock.

But I digress. What just occurred to me as all 20 lbs of solid muscle jumped in my lap, pulled my hair, slapped my forehead and stuck his fingers up my nose was : please take him back. Please. Take. Him. Back.

At some point in our lives, women are supposed to feel this 'urge' when she holds a baby. This maternal instinct that kicks in and makes them automatically want to rush out and buy the next baby they see.

Did I feel that? I felt something, for sure. It was a sharp pain digging into my side as he kicked me and a sharper pain as he stuck his finger in my eye - it said - GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

Is it possible that some day, I may wake up and feel this overwhelming desire to have a child - to stare lovingly at this child 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? To think that even the stinkiest diapers are works of art? To want to raise this child past the cute baby stage, into loud screaming childhood, into sullen, moody teenage years, and then drop quarter of a million dollars to educate him or her?

Probably not.

Is it wrong to want children eventually, if for nothing than to have them do all the crap around the house that I hate doing?

I don't think so. (not as long as I still feed them, clothe them, and treat them well).

But I do think that I was absent the day God handed out maternal instinct.

You may know her as Nellie Oleson, of "Little House on the Prairie" fame...



Well, ...



Yup!! ME AND NELLIE OLESON!

My life never seems quite complete until I get my picture taken with a has-been child star.

How was YOUR weekend?

Fingers and Toes Crossed!

If anyone is reading this, on Monday, September 19th, 9:30am, please keep your fingers, arms, toes and legs crossed for me.

A good opportunity is just over the horizon, I think.

I hope so.

I think the charm of Hollywood has worn off on me.

Today I told off "Javier" from Felicity. You may also have seen him from such hits at "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," and "Connie and Carla." He is also better known as Nia Vardalos' husband.

He was blocking my way on the sidewalk in Larchmont. I was in a hurry. I was not happy that he and his friends were blocking a 5 foot section of sidewalk, which is already such a celebrity 'hotspot' that you can't fart and not hit someone famous.

I might have accidentally growled at him too.

Yesterday I almost bit my tongue in half to keep from shouting, "WHY ME???" when I walked past Nancy Kerrigan on the lot.

Is that wrong?

I think I need a little vacation. I need to go somewhere that's not here. Anyone have any good suggestions?

The "Island Of People I Hate" is getting pretty crowded now. I think I might have to colonize somewhere and add a satellite island. There, I will place the worst of the worst celebrities, and hit them with 98% polyester shirts and make them use gas station bathrooms.

"You can be my wingman any time..."

Last week I went to Edwards Airforce Base for work. Why? Who cares??? I saw pilots! I was living the Top Gun dream for a day. And can I just say this:

Put a man in a giant Onesie on the street, and he'll look like a fool.

Put a man in a giant jumpsuit in front of a $350 Million F/22 Raptor, and choirs of angels sing...

And not to mention that everyone there, men and women, military and civilian, were just the nicest people in the world.

Kind of gives me a newfound respect for our soldiers. (and my new friends, Buzz and Dragon)

To Dragon - Yes, being the pilot of a giant fancy plane that goes Mach 2 IS a turn-on for women.

Any comments, ladies???

...Oh, the glamour?

Trying to figure out this week if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing...Asking myself if Hollywood is really where I want to spend the rest of my working life, fighting day-in and day-out with people who's poop doesn't stink and who were quite obviously granted a higher position in life by God.

I think I want to move to Indonesia and go work with the Orangutan Orphan lady.

Does anyone know of any jobs at Animal Planet? I think I want to work there.

www.salvationarmy.org

www.redcross.org

I have food to eat and water to drink. I have clothes on my back and a nice place to live. Damn, I'm lucky.

Taking time to figure things out

Space is a funny thing. Not Space, with stars and planets and such, but SPACE, as in the amount of room we have around ourselves.

I found myself recently with more space than I've had in a while. It really is amazing how much thinking you can get done when there is nothing else to distract you.

I killed a spider on Tuesday. It was as big as a quarter, with thick black legs. In my solitude, I was unsure how to proceed, but Worry not! With only half a bottle of Mold and Mildew Remover, 1/4 of a bottle of Fantastik, and a movable shower head, I triumphed over him and sent him to his watery grave.

Sorry, folks. I'm at a crossroads in my life right now, and can't really decide which path to choose. If any of you have the handbook that came with your life, I'd love to borrow it....